ChronicVT
11-10-2009, 02:48 PM
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
10. It there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
12. Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas stations bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
23. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
24 If 24-hour convience stores are open twenty-four hours a day, why put locks on the door?
25. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?
26. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
27. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
28. Why do self-destruct devices need assistance arming them self?
29. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
30. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
31. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
32. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
33. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
34. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
35. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
36. What do you call male ballerinas?
37. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
38. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn't he just buy dinner?
39. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
40. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
41. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
42. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
43. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
44. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
45. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
46. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
47. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
~Rogue
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
10. It there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
12. Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas stations bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
23. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
24 If 24-hour convience stores are open twenty-four hours a day, why put locks on the door?
25. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?
26. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
27. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
28. Why do self-destruct devices need assistance arming them self?
29. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
30. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
31. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
32. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
33. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
34. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
35. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
36. What do you call male ballerinas?
37. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
38. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn't he just buy dinner?
39. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
40. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
41. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
42. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
43. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
44. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
45. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
46. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
47. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
~Rogue