View Full Version : Post a joke
Curdy
11-10-2009, 05:12 PM
Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Please give just a small donation of £2
and we will send you the video it's hilarious!!!
DJ_MikeyRevile
11-10-2009, 06:14 PM
Whatdo you call a fish with no eyes
FSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
ImGonnaGetCha
11-10-2009, 06:15 PM
Today, I ran into a car. I suffered a concussion and broke my nose. I wasn't driving. I walked right into it. It was parked.
Today, I was working at a haunted house. I have a really good spot where I hide and scare people. This really hot guy was walking up, and I jumped out and screamed. He punched me in the face.
Today, I had an argument with my wife. I told her to get back in the kitchen. How does she respond? By doing what I told her to do, and returning to hit me with a frying pan.
Today, my mother said she trusted me enough to go with me for my first drive in my new car. As soon as we got in the car, she started hyperventilating and screaming we're going to crash. I didn't even start the engine.
Today, I ran into a car. I suffered a concussion and broke my nose. I wasn't driving. I walked right into it. It was parked.
Yeah you probably did.
I like how none of those were jokes.
uuntiltheendd
11-10-2009, 09:18 PM
I like how none of those were jokes.
lmao i was like .......................... :icon_mrgreen:
Kavinsky
11-10-2009, 10:51 PM
what do you call a man with no idea what the fans want in a mod but believes his one vision is the way to go when 70% of his good players have left or switched over to gungame and pub?
Zero of course!
I like how people expect Zero to do fucking EVERYTHING. I wonder how many useless suggestions he gets bombarded with per day (yes, I've done it too).
XxMastagunzxX
11-10-2009, 11:07 PM
He does a lot more then people think, we just can't see it.
Jeimuzu
11-11-2009, 08:23 AM
Always thought this was an awesome comic.
Note, you might have to save it and zoom in to read it.
Whats the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew?
The Boy Scout comes home from camp.
How is a Jew different from a pizza?
A pizza wont scream in the oven.
What sucks about fucking a bald pussy?
Putting the diaper back on.
Whats black and blue and doesn't like sex?
The 14 year old in my basement.
What did the asian family name their deformed son?
Somting Wong.
Whats awesome about fucking twenty eight year olds?
There twenty of them.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares, why the hell is she out of the kitchen?!
How do you get a baby in a tupperwear container?
Use the blender.
How do you get it out again?
Tostitos.
How do you make a baby cry twice?
Rub your bloody penis on its teddy bear..
How do you start a race in Ethiopia?
Roll a penny down the road.
How do you find the richest person in Ethiopia?
Find the person who found the penny.
Why did Hitler kill himself??
Because he saw the gas bill
Why can't women ski?
Because there is no snow in the kitchen.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.
What's better than winning a gold medal at the paralympics?
Walking.
So three queers are sitting in a hottub when a bubble of sperm floats to the top... one says "hey who farted?"
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
None! Feminists can't change anything.
How do you know an asian's robbed your house?
Your homework's done, there's a bite out of your dog's leg, and they're still trying to back out of the driveway.
dialogue]
Dude1: I want to be just like Hitler some day.
Dude2: Okay ???
Dude1: Ima kill all the jews and 1 Clown.
Dude2: Why 1 clown?
Dude1: See no1 cares about the jews.
ChronicVT
11-11-2009, 09:57 AM
I work on Tuesday, Tuesday is my secretary...
One day Tuesday and I were invited to a party, on the way there we got a flat tire...
I pumped, she pumped, then we got out and fixed the flat tire...
When we arrived at the party everyone was feeling merry...
Mary got disgusted and left...
As the party began a naked lady jumped out of a cake, everyone got a piece, it was delicious...
Oh so was the cake...
At the height of the party, everyone was jumping for joy...
Poor Joy, Hnaging nude from the chandelier...
After the party I drove Tuesday home...
Broke my penis between her legs...
~Rogue
Whats the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew?
The Boy Scout comes home from camp.
How is a Jew different from a pizza?
A pizza wont scream in the oven.
What sucks about fucking a bald pussy?
Putting the diaper back on.
Whats black and blue and doesn't like sex?
The 14 year old in my basement.
What did the asian family name their deformed son?
Somting Wong.
Whats awesome about fucking twenty eight year olds?
There twenty of them.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares, why the hell is she out of the kitchen?!
How do you get a baby in a tupperwear container?
Use the blender.
How do you get it out again?
Tostitos.
How do you make a baby cry twice?
Rub your bloody penis on its teddy bear..
How do you start a race in Ethiopia?
Roll a penny down the road.
How do you find the richest person in Ethiopia?
Find the person who found the penny.
Why did Hitler kill himself??
Because he saw the gas bill
Why can't women ski?
Because there is no snow in the kitchen.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.
What's better than winning a gold medal at the paralympics?
Walking.
So three queers are sitting in a hottub when a bubble of sperm floats to the top... one says "hey who farted?"
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
None! Feminists can't change anything.
How do you know an asian's robbed your house?
Your homework's done, there's a bite out of your dog's leg, and they're still trying to back out of the driveway.
dialogue]
Dude1: I want to be just like Hitler some day.
Dude2: Okay ???
Dude1: Ima kill all the jews and 1 Clown.
Dude2: Why 1 clown?
Dude1: See no1 cares about the jews.
wow..
Whats the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew?
The Boy Scout comes home from camp.
How is a Jew different from a pizza?
A pizza wont scream in the oven.
What sucks about fucking a bald pussy?
Putting the diaper back on.
Whats black and blue and doesn't like sex?
The 14 year old in my basement.
What did the asian family name their deformed son?
Somting Wong.
Whats awesome about fucking twenty eight year olds?
There twenty of them.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares, why the hell is she out of the kitchen?!
How do you get a baby in a tupperwear container?
Use the blender.
How do you get it out again?
Tostitos.
How do you make a baby cry twice?
Rub your bloody penis on its teddy bear..
How do you start a race in Ethiopia?
Roll a penny down the road.
How do you find the richest person in Ethiopia?
Find the person who found the penny.
Why did Hitler kill himself??
Because he saw the gas bill
Why can't women ski?
Because there is no snow in the kitchen.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.
What's better than winning a gold medal at the paralympics?
Walking.
So three queers are sitting in a hottub when a bubble of sperm floats to the top... one says "hey who farted?"
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
None! Feminists can't change anything.
How do you know an asian's robbed your house?
Your homework's done, there's a bite out of your dog's leg, and they're still trying to back out of the driveway.
dialogue]
Dude1: I want to be just like Hitler some day.
Dude2: Okay ???
Dude1: Ima kill all the jews and 1 Clown.
Dude2: Why 1 clown?
Dude1: See no1 cares about the jews.
You fail.
uuntiltheendd
11-11-2009, 07:47 PM
a baby seal walks into a club.
a baby seal walks into a club.
Hahahahahaha.
How do you get a one armed Polock out of a tree ?
Wave.
XxMastagunzxX
11-11-2009, 08:15 PM
toasties
a baby seal walks into a club.
You stole that from me. Blatantly.
ChronicVT
11-12-2009, 08:13 AM
Two guys walk into a bar... you think one of them would see it!
~Rogue
walterbrunswick
11-12-2009, 09:46 AM
Two guys walk into a bar... you think one of them would see it!
~Rogue
:lmao:
ChronicVT
11-12-2009, 02:13 PM
REDNECK LOGIC
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
Jeimuzu
11-13-2009, 07:02 PM
http://img1.smackjeeves.com/images/uploaded/comics/e/8/e8f2b79ac6g4l.png
DeadEyeDeNNi$
11-14-2009, 12:17 AM
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex
lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in
some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her
drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the
work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When
all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was
a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so
aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and
there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!
When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him
in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He
was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up
our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at
Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best
perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt,
black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black
mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the
remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
XxMastagunzxX
11-14-2009, 12:19 AM
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex
lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in
some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her
drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the
work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When
all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was
a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so
aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and
there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!
When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him
in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He
was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up
our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at
Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best
perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt,
black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black
mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the
remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
:lmao: that was a good one
ChronicVT
11-14-2009, 09:22 AM
Sunday school teacher is discussing with her students about God and the Heavens. "When you think of Heaven," asks the teacher. "what do you think gets to heaven first?" She points to a young girl in the group named Amanda. Amanda put her hands together as if to pray and said, "My hands, cause they are closest to the Lord." "Good answer." smiled the teacher. "And you, Frankie?". Frankie thought for a second and blurted out, "My eyes, cause it's the first thing to see his Holiness!" "Not bad, Frankie, not bad. And let's see, Mellisa? What would you say is the first thing to get to Heaven?" Mellisa pauses a brief moment and replies, "My heart, because it is already there." "Beautiful answer." beams the teacher. Looking around she then point out Johnie. "Johnie, can you enlighten the class with your brilliance?" Johnie wasted no time yelling out "My Feet!". The teacher was taken back, "Johnie explain your self this instant." "Well," said Johnie. "I was walking past my parents room, and my mom had her feet in the air, yelling 'Oh Lord I'm coming, Oh Lord I'm coming!'" Teacher was floored but before she could get a word in edge wise Johnie finished, "But don't worry she didn't leave, Daddy was holding her down!"
DJ_MikeyRevile
11-14-2009, 03:51 PM
Would you like a life cookie? *holds hand out*
YES i would
well to bad no one cares!
my friend Theorys joke for skinny people
"hey you got any barbaque sauce for those ribs *points at skinny person*"
Jeimuzu
11-14-2009, 04:38 PM
Here (http://longestjokeintheworld.com/) is something if your bored. I read it awhile back.
ChronicVT
11-14-2009, 04:42 PM
Three preachers were out on the lake. First one stands up and said, "By the act of God, we forgot the picnic basket." So he stands up, steps out of the boat, tip toes across the water to shore, picks up the basket, tip toes back to the boat, and sits down in the boat. Second one stands up and sez, "By the act of God, we forgot the wine." So he stands up, steps out of the boat, tip toes across the water to shore, picks up the wine, tip toes back to the boat, and sits down in the boat. Third one stands up and sez, "By the act of God, we forgot our bibles." So he stands up steps off the boat and sinks. The second preacher asked the first preacher, "Think we should tell him where the rocks are?"
~Rogue
ChronicVT
11-14-2009, 04:45 PM
Here (http://longestjokeintheworld.com/) is something if your bored. I read it awhile back.
HOLY SHIT!!!!!
~Chronic
ChronicVT
11-16-2009, 10:08 AM
Three generations of couples lived together in one home. One night the Middle aged couple was walking past the young couples room, when they heard a 'Click, pitter-patter, pitter-padder, WHEE!, Ahh!'. The next morning the middle aged man asked the young couple about the noise from their room. "Well," begins young John. "The Click was me turning off the light, the pitter-patter, pitter-padder, was me running across the room, the WHEE! was me jumping in the air, and the Ahh! was me landing on my wife."
Middle aged John thought this was interesting, haven't done it in years, he decided to make a go at it. That night Old man John was passing past the middle aged John's room, when he heard a 'Click, pitter-patter, pitter-padder, WHEEE!, Ahh!'. The next morning the old man asked John Jr. about the noise from their room. "Well," begins John Jr. "The Click was me turning off the light, the pitter-patter, pitter-padder, pitter-padder, was me running across the room, the WHEEE! was me jumping in the air, and the Ahh! was me landing on my wife."
Old man John thought about the good old days, and with a sense of young spirit, he decided to try it on his wife. That night young John was passing past old man John's room, when he heard a 'Click, pitter-patter, pitter-padder, pitter-patter, pitter-padder, WHEEEEE!, OOOOUUU!'. Old man John came stumbling out of the room. Young John asked him about the noise from their room. "Well," begins John Sr.. "The Click was me turning off the light, the pitter-patter, pitter-padder, pitter-padder, pitter-padder, was me running across the room, the WHEEEEE! was me jumping in the air, and the OOOOUUU! was me landing on the bed post."
~Rogue
- |STFU Bitch| -
11-20-2009, 12:29 AM
A man and woman with 2 children, son and daughter, are having sex, as usual the husband has the lights turned off, as it has been for 9 years of marriage. finally the wife decides to turn them on and sees her husband using a cucumber instead of his own manhood. angered she screams, "your not a man, ur a disgrace and a failure as a husband and a lover!"
the husband replies, "care to explain our 2 children?" (ya i worded that wrong eat me)
A man and woman with 2 children, son and daughter, are having sex, as usual the husband has the lights turned off, as it has been for 9 years of marriage. finally the wife decides to turn them on and sees her husband using a cucumber instead of his own manhood. angered she screams, "your not a man, ur a disgrace and a failure as a husband and a lover!"
the husband replies, "care to explain our 2 children?" (ya i worded that wrong eat me)
So... He used a cucumber on her for years and years just to test and see if she was cheating on him and would get pregnant? Not that it seemed to concern him, because after she had already had two children, he's just sitting there plugging away with the cucumber like always.
IT MAKES NO SENSE, AUGH.
ChronicVT
11-23-2009, 08:38 AM
A husband and wife are snuggling in bed when the passion begins to heat up.
Suddenly then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
Befuddled the husband responded quite taken back, "WHAT???"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. As they lie there snuggling, the two drift off to sleep.
The next morning the husband decides to take his wife shopping at a Macy's Department Store. As they walk around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, "We 'll take all three of them." Then goes over and grabs a pair of matching shoes worth $200 each.
Later they stop to the Jewelry Department and check out a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited, though she thinks her husband has lost his marbles, however she pay no mind. She goes for a tennis bracelet.
The husband says "But Honey, you don 't even play tennis," but quickly replies, "But, if you really like it, then lets get it."
The wife gets so excited, she cannot even believe what is going on, and she begins jumping up and down. So excited she can hardly contain herself. "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband repiles, " No, no no... Honey, we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red as she is about to explode when the husband continues, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
~Rogue
ChronicVT
11-23-2009, 08:43 AM
A married couple were in a terrible accident, where the woman's face had been severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body, because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable for the proceedure would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife discussed it and agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
~Rogue
Hitman
11-23-2009, 01:25 PM
A married couple were in a terrible accident, where the woman's face had been severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body, because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable for the proceedure would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife discussed it and agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
~Rogue
Of all the jokes you posted so far really sucked but this one actually made me laugh.
Bravo, bravo
Hitman
11-23-2009, 04:16 PM
Not a joke but serious biz lol
http://i.imgur.com/TtLdb.jpg
- |STFU Bitch| -
11-24-2009, 06:01 PM
A man gets a call from the hospital saying that his wife had gotten into a serious car crash, and he rushes over as quick as possible.
When the doctor was able to see him, he told the husband he had bad new.
"i'm sorry sir, ur wife is in terrible condition, she will never move again, never talk, and you will have to feed her, bathe her, and care for her everywhere she goes."
The husband, shocked,replies, "Oh my, are you serious?!"
Doctor turns to him and says, "Naw im just kidding she's dead."
I found that hilarious dk why lol
:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:
Lolsbian
11-27-2009, 12:53 AM
A horse walks into the bar. Bartender looks up and asks, "Why the long face?"
GrandtTheftWalrus
11-29-2009, 12:34 AM
Funny shit nuff said
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Jeimuzu
11-29-2009, 02:57 PM
A husband and wife are snuggling in bed when the passion begins to heat up.
Suddenly then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
Befuddled the husband responded quite taken back, "WHAT???"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. As they lie there snuggling, the two drift off to sleep.
The next morning the husband decides to take his wife shopping at a Macy's Department Store. As they walk around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, "We 'll take all three of them." Then goes over and grabs a pair of matching shoes worth $200 each.
Later they stop to the Jewelry Department and check out a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited, though she thinks her husband has lost his marbles, however she pay no mind. She goes for a tennis bracelet.
The husband says "But Honey, you don 't even play tennis," but quickly replies, "But, if you really like it, then lets get it."
The wife gets so excited, she cannot even believe what is going on, and she begins jumping up and down. So excited she can hardly contain herself. "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband repiles, " No, no no... Honey, we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red as she is about to explode when the husband continues, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
~Rogue
That was awesome.. I'm so doing that if this ever happens to me.
Jeimuzu
12-03-2009, 07:48 PM
http://www.cracked.com/funny-2724-trolls/
Lovely Ritta
12-03-2009, 09:43 PM
Here (http://longestjokeintheworld.com/) is something if your bored. I read it awhile back.
Oh wow, I really feel like a moron, I sat there and patiently read it all. That was extremely anticlimactic, and not at all funny, actually I enjoyed that story but didn't laugh at all. Well... maybe at myself for thinking I would eventually get to the funny part. Grrrr. I'm so mad.
Jeimuzu
12-04-2009, 02:30 AM
XD.. Jokes on you. No hard feelings though? >.>
Mainly it's to see how people treat their lives and experiences.
But yeah, I agree. The punch line wasn't all that great.
ChronicVT
12-04-2009, 11:07 AM
Guess i am going to have to kill you now, Jeimuzu ... no hard feelings ...
L :lmao: L
~Rogue
Jeimuzu
12-04-2009, 12:12 PM
Lmao...
Anyhow..
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That’s true," says God.
"So what happened?"
God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."
Lovely Ritta
12-04-2009, 05:03 PM
http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g61/Ritser/08_podborka_35.jpg
DJ_MikeyRevile
03-02-2012, 08:12 AM
Bump!!!!!!!!!
Whitney Huston is a traitor, she made all that money starring in a Pepsi ad, just to spend it all on coke.
brett friggin favre
03-02-2012, 12:17 PM
Bump!!!!!!!!!
Whitney Huston is a traitor, she made all that money starring in a Pepsi ad, just to spend it all on coke.
mikey...a 27 month necro?
http://i.imgur.com/zHkuI.gif
DJ_MikeyRevile
03-02-2012, 12:23 PM
mikey...a 27 month necro?
http://i.imgur.com/zHkuI.gif
1. It's still a relevant thread.
2. I wanted to share a joke without creating a duplicate thread for joke posting
3. My movie thread is a necroed thread from way back, why can't a thread for jokes be necroed?
Is it because it was me? Oh no mikey did somthing tell him he is wrongggggg.
Post jokes make us laugh we post jokes, pretty simple Derp.
brett friggin favre
03-02-2012, 12:31 PM
1. It's still a relevant thread.
2. I wanted to share a joke without creating a duplicate thread for joke posting
3. My movie thread is a necroed thread from way back, why can't a thread for jokes be necroed?
honestly i just found that gif and wanted to use it.
Peyton Manning walks into a bar. Bartender says "scotch with peanut butter, right?" Manning looks stunned, and asks the bartender "Exactly...how do you know I drink that?" Bartender says "Well Mr.Ed just walked in with Sarah Jessica Parker and ordered the same thing, figured it was a family deal."
it's bad but i had to make something up.
DJ_MikeyRevile
03-02-2012, 12:40 PM
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.
"A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
XX0wnsXY
03-02-2012, 12:58 PM
This is the part where I google "funny jokes"...because I have no sense of humor :P
blackmail242
03-02-2012, 02:39 PM
This is the part where I google "funny jokes"...because I have no sense of humor :P
A: Same here B: Just listen to panda raging for about 5 minutes and you'll have enough material for 3 years
Penis シ
03-02-2012, 03:21 PM
I found out I have a hidden talent today. I can give perfect renditions of Shakespeare plays to people that have never seen them. "Ot-hello, Ot-hello, where are you Ot-hello?" "I'm right here." "That kills me!" "Me too! Are you my mom?"
To be or not To Be Continued.
DJ_MikeyRevile
03-02-2012, 05:25 PM
I found out I have a hidden talent today. I can give perfect renditions of Shakespeare plays to people that have never seen them. "Ot-hello, Ot-hello, where are you Ot-hello?" "I'm right here." "That kills me!" "Me too! Are you my mom?"
To be or not To Be Continued.
Yes but ye art thou wizard
Jackie Marlow
03-02-2012, 06:35 PM
"he was this big!"
http://www.csmonitor.com/var/ezflow_site/storage/images/media/content/2012/1-6-12-rick-santorum/11382728-1-eng-US/1-6-12-Rick-Santorum_full_600.jpg
brett friggin favre
03-02-2012, 06:40 PM
I found out I have a hidden talent today. I can give perfect renditions of Shakespeare plays to people that have never seen them. "Ot-hello, Ot-hello, where are you Ot-hello?" "I'm right here." "That kills me!" "Me too! Are you my mom?"
To be or not To Be Continued.
quell thy tongue, thou saucy knave. alas, poor yorick, i knew him horatio.
well i guess he'll never hear...
http://gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs1/1139482_o.gif
the punchline.
YYYYYYEAHHHHHHH!
DJ_MikeyRevile
03-02-2012, 06:52 PM
"he was this big!"
http://www.csmonitor.com/var/ezflow_site/storage/images/media/content/2012/1-6-12-rick-santorum/11382728-1-eng-US/1-6-12-Rick-Santorum_full_600.jpg as big as a mixture of fluids and fecal matter sometimes created threw anal sex?
Either way, fucking priceless.
Nemesis
03-02-2012, 07:13 PM
Black People.
maynard
03-02-2012, 07:16 PM
Black People.
....lawl
brett friggin favre
03-02-2012, 07:30 PM
Black People.
i saw that nem posted here and im like heyyyy for once! some good, lighthearted fun from nemesis!
clearly i haven't been around ibis long enough.
Steamer
03-02-2012, 09:33 PM
Bump!!!!!!!!!
Whitney Huston
Fixed.
blackmail242
03-02-2012, 09:44 PM
*past three comments not jokes -.-; gtfo!
And now to remedy the situation:
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
---------- Post added at 09:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:33 PM ----------
OH and heres another:
One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.
Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida.
Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time.
Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.
He said, "Hell if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."
Nemesis
03-03-2012, 12:18 AM
*past three comments not jokes -.-; gtfo!
And now to remedy the situation:
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
---------- Post added at 09:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:33 PM ----------
OH and heres another:
One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.
Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida.
Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time.
Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.
He said, "Hell if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."
That was terrible, I hope you get cancer.
DJ_MikeyRevile
03-03-2012, 07:34 AM
Fixed. I APProve this fix
Helen Keller went to town, riding on a pony. Stuck a feather in her hat and called it "HEHRHEHEGWHEH"!
A bus full of butt ugly people is driving down the road when it crashes, blows up, and kills everyone inside. The people all go to heaven and meet God at the gates, he says, since you have all been good people you will get one wish each. All the people cheer and line up, the first guys say, "I want to be gorgeous," So God snaps his finger and the man is gorgeous, the second man hears this and decides he wants to be gorgeous too, so he asked for the same thing, and so on and so on everyone wants to be gorgeous. about halfway through the line a man in the back starts laughing, everyone wonders but no one knows why, so it goes on and on, once they get to the last man, God says, why are you laughing, and the man replies, make em all ugly again!
Women's Right's Act
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